I should do this important work. I should not spend time on YouTube. My mom should not scold me. He should not behave like this. My cat should not go outside. This pretty girl should not have many boyfriends. I should have studied hard in my college time. I should not have played video games in my study times.
Have you ever encountered such thought cycles in your mind? This is called shoulding feelings. In psychology, this is called a type of cognitive distortion. I first learned about this while reading a CBT book called “Feeling Good.”
Such thoughts are not that bad. We all have our own standards, our logical mind knows what is right or wrong, we have our own beliefs & everyone loves to see their beliefs validated.
But when such thoughts come repeatedly, they cause emotional problems. They cause unnecessary stress, unnecessary pressure & unnecessary guilt feelings.
Let me tell you one example. I know I have to wake up early so that I can have maximum time for my work during the day. But for whatever reasons, I sleep late & wake up late. I forgive myself, log my lessons & move on. But I tend to get thoughts like: “I should not sleep late”, “It was a grave mistake”, “I should not watch movies before sleep”, “I should wake up when I hear the alarm”, “This is very bad” etc.
Getting these types of thoughts for some time is normal. They make me more responsible for my behavior. But if I get these thoughts multiple times, like a repeating cycle, then it becomes unhealthy guilty emotions. It affects my peace of mind. It affects my performance of that day.
Similarly, I am giving you another example. I made a plan with a friend to visit a nearby tourist place. He was ready & so I was sure that he would come with me. That day came. There was just 1 hour left to evening & I was getting ready to go with him. I was excited in my mind, but I felt something wrong inside me. I knew something was wrong. Still, I tried to be positive & then called my friend. But he did not pick up at first. I felt angry. He should be responsible & pick my call. There is just 1 hour left. I called again after some time. He picked up & told me that he can’t go today, as he is busy with his family. WTF. He should not have flaked on me. He should have told me in advance. He is not a good person. A good friend should always fulfill his promises. A good friend never betrays.
See the pattern above. Such thoughts are normal at first. But they kept coming & made me angrier. Even if in my logical mind, I have the option to call other friends & go with them; but these shoulding thoughts kept coming & made me angrier. It felt very hurtful. I could understand his situation of family issues; but the shoulding part of my mind was not understanding it.
Not only me, but as per my observation in my own eyes; many people are having such experiences, either knowingly or unknowingly. You can listen to such statements everywhere. In news, on social media, in culture, everywhere is shoulding shoulding shoulding.
Such shoulding are very good if they shape our life in healthy ways. Like if I tell myself, I should wake up early & the next day I wake up early; then this shoulding is good. But what if this should does not serve me & causes more negative feelings which cause more problems?
Let me give you examples of how shoulding is everywhere. In the news, one person says this government is very bad as it should do that, not that blah blah. My mom says, nowadays people are very selfish, they should not be selfish, rather they should be good people. My father says, I should do a government job & I should go to temples every day. In YouTube comments, people say, the woman should not wear short clothes. There are many such examples.
Like I have said before, this type of shoulding statement is good as it makes us responsible; but in reality tests, they do not work that much, rather cause unnecessary negative feelings like anger, guilt, hurt, sadness etc.
If you say to yourself that you should always sleep early, wake up early, eat home-made foods, never curse, not watch any videos etc. many disciplined words to yourself; what will you feel? At first, you will feel motivated & inspired. But if you tell this many times, what will you feel? Are you guaranteeing yourself that you will be so disciplined? The answer is No. You will feel miserable. One single mistake of breaking discipline; you will get lots of internal pain. Taking responsibility will not help. There is something inside you, that will instantly rebel against you. If you try to stop them, they will rebel more. And know that your rebellious self is 100 times more powerful than your disciplined self. At least it is for me.
See, how should statements do not help us in real life. Still, we tend to use this should statement on ourselves & others.
If we are unable to make changes in our life by shoulding statements, how can we expect to make changes in others by shoulding statements? If I tell my friends to always keep promises with me, will they always obey? This is not practically possible.
Still, why do we use such statements? Is this not wrong? We should not use shoulding statements. Should we not? Haha…See I am using the same statements here.
Upon research, I have found that these shoulding thoughts are natural to us even if they do not serve us. That’s why psychologists call this a cognitive distortion. This is a distorted thought pattern. It is part of us & never goes away. But it can be tamed like our all other distorted thoughts.
How? Simply use my quick CBT formula. I have tried this & it worked.
Formula To Deal With Shoulding Distorted Thoughts:
Suppose you find yourself having shoulding thoughts related to yourself. You did some mistake & got a negative thought cycle that you should not do that. Now think this way.
- I wish I did not do that mistake. But this does not mean I must not have done that. There is no musting in my life.
- What I did is technically bad, it is bad in terms of my logical conclusion. But it is not that much bad. It is not the worst kind of bad.
- What I did make me feel very bad. But it is not that worst kind of bad. There are many worst-to-worst bad feelings. And this bad feeling is not that type of bad.
- By doing that mistake, it does not make me a bad person. I am a fallible human & I always will be.
Do this 1-2 times. You will find your mind being calmer. This shoulding thought cycle will gradually stop. If there are still some sad feelings, then do it again.
You may feel guilty about having such negative experiences. Then use the quick CBT on that too. See this article for this info.
Similarly, if you find some unhealthy shoulding thoughts related to others, use the same quick CBT formula. Like the below thoughts.
- I wish he/she did not behave like this. But this does not mean they must not. There is no musting.
- What they did was technically or theoretically bad. But it is not that worst kind of bad.
- What they did, made me very hurt. But it is not the worst kind of hurt. Even if I feel hurt, there could be the worst kind of hurt. But this is not.
- Their behavior does not make them bad people. Like me, they are also fallible human beings & always will be.
See the pattern. Whenever you find yourself with shoulding feelings, either with yourself or others; if it is unhealthy, then do the quick CBT to become normal.
Note that even after the quick CBT formula, which actually calms our whole mind; our impulsive mind can give us the same wrong thought from time to time. But as your conscious mind is strong now, you can easily start the let-go process. So simply let any remaining shoulding thoughts go & you will feel better.
Also note that, even if you deal with these unhealthy shoulding feelings successfully, this does not mean you will not take any actions towards them. If you know you really should change some of your behavior to stop further mistakes; then take healthy responsibility and try to change yourself. Similarly, regarding others, try to accept them as facts & adapt to this reality where everyone is a fallible being, prone to such mistakes.
I hope this article will help you.
